22 Nov 2009

What lurks beneath

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
Spike Milligan
Next year my wee sister Heather will be marrying a highlander and this means kilts, lots of them. So on one of our recent marathon phone conversations, the sister and I got to talking about photographs and the issue with kilts. As I am the official photographer, it is my job to capture all the moments of the day, that includes the 'kilt' shot. This is the true test of Scottish authenticity, will the kilt wearers be bollocko underneath. If they are, I have to photograph it at some point (why me!). Why does one have to capture this moment? Maybe it is some ancient kilt flashing tradition, where they startle the poor person holding the camera, forcing them to have the image burned into their mind forever and ever, well at least until after all the images have been processed anyways.

Has Heather had any recent proof of this tradition? Well apparently she does and this lead to the infamous 'Penis on the head' tale. I apologise for using the word penis, it is necessary, although I could have used tallywhacker I suppose?
Anyhoo back to the tale....

Heather was at a wedding with her fiance and spotted the wedding guest book. Heather loves to write in these things (pages and pages). The outfit she was wearing meant that she had to kneel down, so she got herself comfortable and started to write...
All of a sudden, a darkness enveloped her and then she felt something on her head (uh oh).
She looks up.. big mistake.
Then as quick as the darkness came, the light was returned and the true horror was revealed.

It turns out one of John's (the fiance's) friends had decided to envelop her head with his kilt and let his penis rest on her head.

This is what I will have to deal with next year.. It may end badly for some.

Please read previous post for more sensible/ sensitive stuff and less penis (as in none at all) - It all floats to the bottom (which has nothing to do with bottoms, honest!)


  1. Pfft, a real man would have dropped his trousers to put his penis on the head. Kilts make it far too easy.

  2. Hehehehe you do have to prepare Claire! No undecided kneeling and always look around to see if a kilt is hiding somewhere near you to 'head penis' you. Or should I say 'penis head' you? Or shall I figure out an entire new word? Hmm either way...the kilts will be watching you ^_^

    But very cool that you are the photographer!! It is a very important job to capture all the wedding moments...oh and of course all the off wedding moments! But I'm sure you will be capable of doing so!!


  3. Ahahaha Speedy! (Pitcha?)

    Just wonderin'....what kind of outfit was she wearing that meant that she had to kneel down? I wanna be sure to avoid wearing that in public...

  4. Sounds like an excellent way to get away with putting one's "schlong" (schlittle in my case) on a lady's head.

    I'm sure you'll cope admirably with the cock-tography.


  5. eeeewwww why did he do that?

    why didn't your sister's fiance punch him in the face?

  6. never been to a Scottish wedding but it sounds fun. What a strange tradition. So in Scotland you can use tradition as part of your pickup line?
    When Craig Ferguson was on Larry King Live, he asked about what's under the kilt. His answer - "Lipstick on a good day".

  7. Ach but those crazy Scotsmen! Why would someone think it was a good idea to rest their penis on another's head anyway? And why exactly did his penis need resting? Was it that huge that it tired him to carry it around? So many questions and so few answers!

    Sounds like you are going to have quite the time photographing this wedding. I don't suspect to have half as much fun photographing Frank's in May as Italians don't wear kilts! Darn the luck!

  8. I'm laughing out loud at all the imagery! Between Speedcat and Linda's comments.....hooey!
    Yeah, good luck with that, girl. If it should come up, no pun intended, tell them you need to change your lens to telephoto.

  9. Is this an acceptable practice in Scotland? No wonder Samuel Johnson said he could love anyone except a Scotsman. Or was that an American? In any case, I'd like to be there to see the fireworks if anyone tries said practice on the fiery Crpitt.

  10. Oh dear! And ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

  11. LOL! Hilarious (but 'tallywacker'?)

  12. This post made me giggle until I wondered what my reaction would have been if it were MY sister. I almost started a brawl at my own sister's wedding after hearing someone in the bathroom say "the groom is a grease ball."

    Congrats to your sister. I've been to a Scottish wedding and it was a fantastic time. I hope you have a memorable day and good luck capturing all of the "magical" moments as I'm sure there will be many.

  13. Hilarious! You truly captured the pride most Scots seem to have in that particular appendange and their mocking sympathy for all those not so generously blessed by Mother Nature

    But her head? Really her head!!!!

  14. A penis on the head?! Seriously, I do love your blog, Claire. Nowhere else in the bloggosphere can you get entertainment like this!

  15. @Robin, remind me not to go out for a pint with you, ever.

    @Speedy, That doesn't surprise me.

    @TJ, I better not drop anything lol! I am really looking forward to taking the photographs, but also scared.

    @Olga, no encouraging speedy! Just a stiff skirt I think?

    @Deray, I think booze was involved and she thought it was funny! I would have punched him in the nuts :)

    @lisleman, As I am not Scottish, I cant recommend this tradition, but you could try it I suppose :)

    @Linda, I know this makes you want to visit the UK even more now, you would love a penis on the head moment..... lol :)

    @Gracie, Ha! Good one, but I wouldn't want to egg them on lol. God knows what they would do.

    @NP, When booze is involved anything becomes acceptable hehe. I think you may be right about me :)

    @Cathy lol :) Ewwww inded :)

    @fromsamesky I know now, that you know now :)

    @themanwithproblems, I think I may have been rather pissed off, if I had been there, but as I wasn't, they were saved a telling off lol

    Thank you, hopefully I do a good job capturing the moments :)

    @Jamie, yes really her head, a horrible thought indeed!

    @Tisha, It is funny, because it is true lol :)

    @Chris, My thoughts exactly :)