The type of amputation is call a Hind-quarter amputation or a
Hemipelvectomy (posh whatnot name as one of mum's nurses said)
(Science: procedure) amputation of a lower limb through the sacroiliac joint.
How do you feel?
People have asked me, including myself how hearing that the mumborg losing the leg is affecting me.
Do you want to know that I have sat here with tears running downing my face, trying to choke them back at times. I don't want a hug, I don't want sympathy, and I want to cry about it. I don't want the feelings to overwhelm me, but I don't want to ignore them either. There is a sense of relief letting the tears flow and at times snot flows too, then I wipe my face with dressing gown sleeve and carry on. I don't want an audience when I feel like this, I am not bottling it up, it is just mine and for me. So when people ask, I say 'If the mum is okay, then so am I', it is my new mantra. I know it is a shit situation, I know I have every reason to be upset, I also know that words and hugs wont make it all better. That probably makes me sound like an ungrateful wretch, but that is just how I roll. That doesn't mean don't ask me or don't express what you are feeling, I appreciate it, and I really do. It all gets filed into a special place that I know I can dip into when I need it.
When good old Willy wrote this:
"Care I for the limb, the thews, the stature, bulk, and big assemblance of a man! Give me the spirit."I don't think Willy had the mumborg in mind, or indeed amputation, but for me this sums up what is important. The mumborg is full of spirit no matter what her body has in mind for her, her spirit is as resilient as ever. If she was devastated about this, I have no idea how I would feel, luckily I don't have to go there. As I looked around for more appropriate limb quotes, if there is such a thing, I came across this one
William Shakespeare quotes (English Dramatist, Playwright and Poet, 1564-1616)
"The loss of a friend is like that of a limb; time may heal the anguish of the wound, but the loss cannot be repaired."Is that true I wonder? Will time heal the anguish, but leave a loss? Luckily through writing, even when it feels indulgent and emo, I am thankful for this space to write. Mainly because I will be able to look back at this in a few weeks, months or years and see how things have changed for me.
How does the mumborg feel?
The mumborg has had to live with the pain, the operations, the long long hospital stays and everything else. So quite frankly she is more than okay with divorcing this limb. Yet again I went quote searching for a way to sum up how she has explained it to me and this one does it quite well.
"I would consent to have a limb amputated to recover my spirits"
Samuel Johnson quotes (English
Poet, Critic and Writer. 1709-1784)
Where is the leg going?
Once the leg is removed it will more than likely be incinerated, the mumborg thinks this is wasteful and has asked whether it would be of use to anyone else. That made me laugh , maybe the local zoo would like it for lion food? She wasn't impressed with my suggestion of cremating the leg and keeping it in a mini urn, waiting for the rest of her. I thought it was a practical suggestion, apparently not. Joking aside maybe some medical students can practice their suturing skills on it or something like that, seems a shame to just chuck it in a furnace. Although as I am typing this, I actually think 'Fuck it' and 'Burn that fucker' would be more appropriate.
Final thoughts for now
The operation is going to be horrendous, with side effects of severe blood loss and possibly death, so until the operation stage is over I am just going to focus on the day to day things of life, as best I can. After that I will be looking into the new world of buying one shoe, one legged doodles and all things amputee related.
I have not forgotten about my mental health monsters, I have more than ever developing and welcome the chance to indulge in something that feels rewarding, whilst still being hugely enjoyable.
If you have only recently joined in on the mumborg adventures just click the 'mum' to find out more.