16 Jan 2010

The empty box and brick wall

Some days it feels like my head will explode with ideas for doodles, future client work, college assignments and blog posts. Other days it feels like there is nothing there but inconsequential Styrofoam bits of nothingness. I rummage round for signs of life, but just find dust. I have been looking at all my college notes and trying to get the rest of my work finished. I look back at the work and realised that I loved every minute of it, especially when writing up my own philosophy towards therapy and counselling.
Which can be found here (if you want to have a look).

So if I enjoyed every minute of college, what the hell am I waiting for!
Get bloody on with it!
Last year was pretty awful, nearly all of it was spent under exceptionally stressful circumstances, which culminated in the mumborg having her leg amputated. The mumborg is my mum, you can read about the operation here and all posts mum related are here. The operation went well, as well as these things can go and she is finally home.

Other times I feel like I am either running into or building too many of these.

During stressful times, walls are built and forcefields are set to maximum, just to get through the day.There was many a time last year, when I thought mum was going to die, although she assured me that would not be the case and to get on with my bloody work. So I would switch from being deathly worried to pissed off that she was still in hospital. Then I hopped back on the guilty train when they finally made the decision that the leg would have to go and this was a 'serious' operation. As I mentioned above, the operation went well, mum is doing great now. So finally I could relax, after months of worry, then I promptly got swine flu and have been ill ever since! So as the stress walls crumbled, so apparently did my immune system. So as one wall crumbles, I run head first into another.

The photographs are all part of my 365 photo a day project, they turned out pretty serendipitous don't you think? I didn't know what I was going to write, till I actually started writing. This page has been blank for most of the day, kind of like me.

It is hard work, this personal development lark. You open up yourself and see your own little world through shiny new eyes. It is inspiring, thoughtful and a whole feast of wonderful things, but the sun glares down on your new eyes at times and it all feels a bit raw. I suppose this could explain my new appreciation of music, I should emphasise that I mean 'good' music and with that, I am afraid blubbering occurs! Something about being in a certain melancholic mood and haunting vocals that now equate to me blubbering. To be honest, it is not sad crying, just going with the flow. All that tampering with ones empathy levels, has a strange effect, don't even mention sad puppy adverts or TV charity appeals or the ruddy news.

Never fear, I am never melancholic for long, not when you can put a donk on it.....

Please forgive me for this, but watch this youtube clip 'Put a donk on it'
(You need to watch that, well maybe not 'need').

/seconds later....

Did you watch the 'Donk' video? If so, I am sure you will never take me seriously again, which may have been an evil ploy, so that you don't think I have gone all soppy and melancholic. The Donkness also gives you a wee glimpse into the music of my 'youth' and how ones tastes change over the years.

From Donk to the Down-Tempo and everything in between.

My three thumbs UP of the week go to the music blog Slowcoustic, I first discovered this blog when my musical chum @Tartytart wrote a guest post over there, which inspired my snogging post. Since then I have been catching every musical tidbit that slowcoustic throws our way, it is treat to your ear lobes!

So now that I have waffled on, I am off to do battle with my Boggart.


  1. put a donk on it - new for me. So if I'm visiting the UK could I actually use that phrase in a pub?
    Good to hear that mumborg is doing well.
    BTW - if I was going to hit the wall, that's one of the best looking walls I've seen.

  2. A very good round up young Claire ...... give yourself a big *hug* from me. Also give the Mumborg a *hug* as well [please make sure she's sitting down first though - we don't want any accidents do we?]

  3. Oh, yes, that sounds painfully famililar. Prolonged stress followed by prolonged illness (with a side order of self-reflection/personal development thrown in). We could be on the same page ...

    I'm glad you are finding music helpful (the donk video though - hmm!) and hoping you recover soon. Thinking of you,


  4. Keep cool Claire ! It's been one exciting year for me with school, career and a new relationship.

    2010 didn't start off with a bang but there are lots of things I am looking forward to.

    Wish you all the best !

  5. Hugs and well wishes -- body, mind, and spirit.
    Off to watch the donk video now...

  6. As they say, "When it rains it pours" and it sounds like it's been pouring on you for the past year or so. Stumbling blocks galore but look at you - you're still doodling, still posting, still taking your picture a day! Give yourself a pat on the back while you're putting a donk on it. Things are looking up, right??

  7. I said all sorts of warm and comforting things and blogger ate them. Glad the mumborg continues to improve and that you are dealing with all things requiring dealing while maintaining a healthy outlook.

  8. well you little bugger, look at this place. It looks awesome.. love the 365 project and your blog layout... I am off to explore more. As for me still feeling like shit but, Eh got to get on with it. You do, so I should.. I didn't know you had the piggy flu... I am a shitty friend as of late... gotta get off facebook and out in the real world.. Love ya, Miss ya...

  9. Excellent post. Just found myself reading, and nodding.

  10. You don't always have to be striving and moving forward. A brick wall can be a sign that you've gone far enough (at least for the moment). That it's time to relax. To put on those headphones and listen to some music. Or go for a casual walk. Christ-look how much you've gone though and thought through and worked through and accomplished in one solitary year! You deserve to have a blank mind every now and then.

    Read your presentation and really enjoyed it. Love the way you use doodles to illustrate your points. I think you'll make a wonderful therapist. You're very realistic and you're not dogmatic and you have a great sense of humor.

  11. walls suck. I think. I have a huge one circumnavigating me right now, and I wish it would crumble, I think. I think that's when you admit that, actually, you could do with a little bit of help... They act a bit like chainmail - all very well for the armour, but not great if you want to give someone a hug.
    Nice pic of the wall, tho.

  12. @lisleman:
    It depends what part of the UK you visit, even then it would depend on what person you said it to :)

    You may end up getting a doink on your head.

    Thanks for mumborg comment and compliment my wall :)

    @Daddy P:

    Thank you kind sir, I shall hug myself and then the mum 'gently' :)

    It certainly feels like we have been on the same page for quite a while now! I hope we noth get to turn that page soon!

    You loved the Donk video!:)

    I am trying dude :) You sound like you have been very busy indeed! Hope things have calmed down now? Thank you for your lovely words :)


    Thanks Lois and the same to you :)

    Yeah it feels like it has definitely been pissing down on me for the last year! But you are right, I haven't drowned and Yes things are looking up, if I stop and think about it.


    Curse blogger! But you always say the sweetest things, so I have a whole backlog to warm my hands on :)

    You slow poke, it has been like this since October! lol

    I really hope you start feeling better soon, I miss the rays of sunshine :)


    Hey John, I hope your walls are causing you too much havoc? Thanks for reading :)

    That is how I feel most of the time, but there are those niggling little moments when I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Just cant seem to give myself a free pass.

    Really glad you took the time to read the presentation! Comments like this give the kick up the arse I need to dive into the rest of it. I admit to liking my ego being petted every now and then! :) The way you describe me, is as I hope, the way I am generally perceived.


    Hey dude! Walls do indeed suck, but you are spot on with saying that when you admit it, you realise that you need some help, well that was/is what I have realised. The people that have wanted to help, couldn't because of the walls that I built up and then I felt daft asking for help. I am full of advice for everyone else, but struggle asking for anything myself.

    Give me a shout if the wall circumnavigating you is anything you want to blather about.


  13. Wow! I saw a link to your blog from another blogger site, I am so glad that I am nosey! You have a realy great blog here.

  14. [u]@skunkberry[/u]

    Hey Skunkberry, with a comment like that, I must say I am rather glad that you are nosey too :)

  15. Seems as if the year has been overwhelming. Your sense of humour will carry you through.

    Liked the video - for some odd reason, my husband listens to music like that when he does the dishes - and only then - lol.

  16. I didn't know you had swine flu!?!?! Where have I been??? Well, thankfully across the pond! ;)

    I'm so glad that your mum is doing better.

    Things will be better this year. They just hafta be! That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

  17. What type of counselling program did you take? I am a BSW (social worker) from Canada and am coming in August, hopefully. Any insights?

  18. @ChrisJ

    Yeah I think you are spot on with overwhelming! I like the fact that you have picked up on my sense of humour and it's importance in getting me through stuff.

    I like your husband already! The only time I listen to that type of music nowadays, is when I am doing the dishes or other cleaning type things lol!

    Yeah I was swine flued back in September/October and it wiped me out. No worries about not knowing, I didn't really broadcast the fact lol!

    I think the mum is invincible! heh

    I shall stick to that story too!



    Hey I did a (well nearly finished) NCFE Diploma in counselling.

    Do you mean you are coming to the UK and you are thinking about counselling studies?

  19. Hi Claire! No wonder you've been ill and crying, you're bloody knackered girl! Just off the top of my head (and this is someone who is neglectful and hasn't been reading so often) you've had your course work, your mum very seriously ill with doctors changing their minds every five minutes, plus you did that moonwalk, and blogging and responsibilities of all kinds. I'm tired just thinking about it. Go and put the kettle on, go on, do it now. I hope you are getting a chance to chill and feeling at least a bit better now xxx

    PS:- Put a donk on it? Snigger!