If you have met me in real life or blog spoke to me for a while, then you will know that I HATE my photo being took. In fact this post will probably give some folk a heart attack as they haven't seen me in photographic form for a long long time.
Photographs of me have slowly been creeping onto this site ever since I got a digital camera last year. All the photographs you do see of me, have been taken by me, its a control thing.
As most of you know I am training to be a counsellor and the largest component of my studies is personal development. This personal development takes you well out of your comfort zone, so far out of it, it feels bloody awful at times. While you can ride high on great moments of enlightenment, you also sink quite low with the not so nice aspects of your life and personality. That sounds pretty scary, but in fact its been the best thing I have ever done so far with my life and if people can get a fraction of this experience from counselling, then I think they will definitely say its worthwhile.
- Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.King Whitney Jr.
So what is the problem with photographs? I love photography, taking photos, seeing other peoples photos, but I just hate seeing myself in photographs. This started way back when I was little and is just something I haven't grown out of. I could be more in depth but I don't know all the answers myself yet, yes this is a bit of cop out but I am not up to exposing myself totally. Nekkid stick Claire doesn't count as exposing myself. I will be posting about this again, think of this as the start of a progress report, well fingers crossed I make progress.
This problem has led to many of what I like to call 'Where's Claire?' moments, not to be mistaken with Where's Wally or is it? I am missing from so many family events that its a wonder people know who I am at all.
Common Claire reactions to the appearance of a camera:
Get the camera out of my face or I will hurt you!
I have at times, reacted very badly to people whipping out the camera and trying to 'surprise' me. This has never resulted in me actually hurting someone, but I have felt very angry at them, even though its me that feels that way and they have no idea how I actually feel about it. I usually go with the 'look', a raised eyebrow don't even think about kind of look.
Run away! run away!
I am very quick at spotting when its photo time and will usually leg it! Either go to the bar, leave the room, go the toilets, hide behind something or someone. This is probably the most common reaction, usually resulting in confusion as people realised that I have scarpered (legged it).
On the inside is where its all really happening, what you cant see. I feel a lot of things, like anger,frustration, hatred and sadness.
Now looking back it just makes me feel kinda sad, there are photographic memories that I cant ever get back, unless someone lends me their time travelling device.
Why am I writing this post? Why have I published photo's of myself!
It is not to get compliments or reassurances that I look okay, that has never worked for me. I need to be able to look at myself and say that for myself. Not that I don't appreciate it, I just don't believe it. Your damned if you give me a compliment and damned if you don't.
Do I think its a problem?
Everyone has their little quirks, dislikes, phobias and for the most part there is no big need to change. I think its when these become a problem for 'you' and it might stop 'you' from doing something. So this has become a problem for me that I want to change, there may be other motivating factors, but its definitely me that wants to change.
Motivation for change!
I am being a bridesmaid on the 6th of June and that means photos, photos and more bloody photos! I don't want to just get through the whole process, I want to enjoy it. I loved the time Heather,Emma and I spent last weekend and I know the wedding is going to be fun, but I am already dreading the photographic aspect of the wedding.
I love hiking and I would like to be in more of the photographs to look back and say 'hey I did that'. Travelling to see my blog friends and I want photographs of them with me. I could go on and on!
If someone came to me when I am in my official role as a counsellor and they had a strong dislike of getting their photograph taken or looking at themselves , I cant jump in with 'me too'. Not that I would dream of saying such a thing, but it would definitely strike a chord within me.
If it nots something I am prepared to understand and work on for myself, I wouldn't be able to do my job as a counsellor.
Is it easy to change?
I would like to say of course its easy to change, but that would be a lie. I am of course applying this to my own personal experience as that's where my expertise lies. Being aware of the problem is one thing, talking about it is another thing, both are great. Actually changing yourself? Bloody hard! It feels like changing the habit of a lifetime.
There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self. Aldous Huxley.
This post was a killer to write and if it makes it published status then I will be patting myself on the back or feeling sick or both.
- Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.